I was on a fucking trapeze this weekend. This woman who teaches the classes is amazing. I am covered with bruises, but I didn't fall. The only thing stopping me from trying again is the nausea. I'm a seasick sailor. I wonder if one can get over that.
Lot of people know my lottery fantasy: When (not if) I win, I'll found the Kiss My Happy Heinie Foundation. Works just like the MacArthur. Just find me geniuses and give 'em money. She's now at the top of the list. I'll just keep praying those numbers up, so when the balls do their dance (as Rev. Ike used to say), they'll fall my way. Geniuses, get ready!
Meantime, it's the Kiss My Happy Holiday Contest. Here's how it works: Put one verse or chorus of an original parody holiday song into the comments section; any day is fine. For each legit entry, I add $2 to the pot. On Jan. 1, I survey them all and choose a winner. The winner gets to choose a charity for half the money to go to, and gets a t-shirt. The other half of the money goes to the charity of my choice. Other geniuses, get ready!
First batter . . .
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Twas the night before Christmas
and up at the Pole
Santa’s not ready
he’s stuck on the bowl
Mrs. Claus cried out, ‘Papa,
you’re going to be late’
‘Well it’s something you cooked,’ he said
‘something I ate’
And out at the sleigh
the elves piled on the load
But back in the house
St. Nick’s on the commode
‘And what will I do,’ Nick cried
‘with all those toys?
All those poor girls!
And all those poor boys!’
‘Now relax there, Santa,’ Mrs. Claus said
‘And open your mouth, and tilt back your head’
And into Nick’s mouth Mrs. Claus stuck a spoon
of Pepto Bismol for the jolly buffoon
‘Now get off the bowl,’ she said ‘Put on your sweater
Once up in the sleigh, you’ll feel a lot better’
And for once ol’ Nick listened to what his wife said
He round up the reindeer and counted their head
‘On Dasher, On Dancer, oh hell, what’s the use?
I can’t give out toys when my bowels are so loose!’
St. Nick climbed off the sleigh with his face full of gloom
and went back to the house, can you guess to which room?
Back at the sleigh, the elves had to think fast
If they didn’t save Christmas, it might be their last
So they all hopped on board and took to the sky
but before out of earshot they heard Santa cry
‘Hey, bring toilet paper, this roll’s running light!’
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night
© John Scheinman