Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ant Essence

The Singing Acupuncturist gave me a great gift last night, a whole bottle of Ant Essence. Chinese herb blend--real ants in it.

She asked me to think about what I desire, and I could barely muster up a puff of laughter. I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think: "You? Desire? Ludicrous." But that last word is too melodramatic. Let's substitute "inappropriate." Bureaucratic language is what's required to dry me up entirely. Cough and the dust scatters.

I lie awake in bed feeling every joint and tendon adjust in tiny increments to each position I try, like I'm in a 3 a.m. yoga class. This will mean I'll be falling asleep over my computer at work tomorrow. Pay work is like some horrible abusive relative who's had a stroke and now I have to take care of and feed and change if I want a place to live. The minute I have a thought of my own she's up there screaming like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford combined.

The 3 a.m. parade begins: I have said and done and even worn all the wrong things, I have not done anything I'm supposed to do, there is such a pile of things I must do that even if it were not absurd to have desires I would never be allowed to pursue them, I have nothing to give and no one wants it anyway, no one has anything to give me and I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. "You're supposed to be counting your blessings and thinking about how lucky you are," hisses Joan Crawford, hanger in hand.

The Singing Acupuncturist calls this "self-lacerating." This is Saturn conjunct Sun, with a particularly tricky Mercury retrograde for icing. As usual, my daughter is the one exception. We have been laughing for days over a comic called Johnny Boo that she got at free comic book day. It's a comic about being bored.

I'm able to think of one desire I might be allowed and might fulfill: To go into the woods. Though I might encounter a Beltway's volume of WASP Labrador-walkers and Latino commuters and half the Sidwell Friends cross-country team, every trail in the woods feels mysterious and alluring to me. I am eating ants and stepping on ants and hoping to conjure up ant power.

Photo: The air conditioning went out in our apartment and the guys are here fixing it and here I am with a big old picture of Adam Ant in shiny party pants up on my screen. That freon will make you see some funny things.

6 comments:

mark said...

Nice. nice to see you're still plugging away, making the world a safer place for er, you. I mean that in a good way, CC. So, this is me saying "hi".

Maria Padhila said...

Hi yourself. Once in a while I like to hear what you're up to, too.

mark said...

didja know facebook kicked me off? betcha don't anyone else THAT happened to! :_)

Maria Padhila said...

you're such a rebel. why are they persecuting you? did you post the "trololo" video too often?

mark said...

wowo, I don't know whether to thank you or curse you for telling me about that trololo thing! and am i really a rebel? isn't a rebel one who says "this is wrong. follow me!" I'm more of "this is wrong. leave me alone!" i used to care more about the world, but the world has been so.... wrong..... i'm a bit too beat up to feel that much like chancing it anymore.

mark said...

i meant changing.....