Friday, September 3, 2010

Smile and Wave. It's What You're Paid For.

I get paid to write for these companies that are full of people so much smarter than me, so they must know. They all want web sites with pictures like this:

Even though we know the majority of those wearing headsets, forgive me, don't look like those three. And they all want me to say they "deliver value."

I was walking my daughter to school this morning, and I saw a cement mixer go down the avenue, and it was a nice, dirty, hard-working cement mixer, and big letters on the side of the mixer read: DELIVERING VALUE.

So I am a miserable woman for 3/5ths of my life, and a lot of people would like me to be a lot more miserable, and part of the misery is knowing that old lady writers like me are a dime a dozen in DC, and anyone else could take my job. Here's a taste.

Penis Dimension: New Metrics, New Marketplace Realities

In today's tight markets, yesterday's methods no longer apply. You demand solutions that fill critical gaps. Can your enterprise leaders manage the risks presented by finite resources?

The Big Picture: It's About Performance

Evaluate impact. Maximize operations. Locate opportunity. Optimize resources. Align with the mission. Strengthen responses. Assess efficiencies. Strategize stakeholders. Fitter. Happier. More productive.
****Click here to download our Penis Dimension: Partnering to Improve Performance Realities white paper. You're so smart we need to actually tell you to click on something or you won't get it. It's a value-add!****

Deep Insight from a Shared Knowledge Base

Yes, it is true.

We are dying and our planet is dying while we dick around with this. And we includes me. Why did we design things this way again?

And won't the spam roll in cause I said "penis." Because when it comes to maximizing efficiencies, the spammers got the big-city consultants beat all to hell.

1 comment:

Slothrop said...

Arrgg, flashback - that's the job I interviewed for fresh out of college. I was to be paid 12 thou a year (!!) to write copy *exactly* like the above (only, sans the peni). But when the handshake came I lost my sh*t & decided to half-starve hitching across Europe instead. The boss wrote w/ high dudgeon "Best of luck for the future!" & all the responsible people in my life growled.

I would no doubt be much further along now if I had shaken the hand. (Don't even want to tell you at what age I had a summer filing job in Sylvia Plath's old dorm.) But I don't know what a content life is - one w/ no other possibilities in its past? How can you ever be satisfied while thinking you'd be in a better place now if you'd done such & such? Can we ever be sure we're doing enough for ourselves or the planet?

But discontent has led me to all the best things I've found. Would love to hear where it leads you.